This is my first letter as the newly appointed head of influence at Global United Financial Financial Firms (GUFF) and I would like to thank everyone for inviting me to the group. Some of you won’t be familiar with the role of chief officer, but you may have seen headlines about Prince Harry taking over the role in a Silicon Valley firm. Sure, I don’t have a princely star, but I hope to be able to do the same job to improve my reputation GUFF which Harry did for the British royal family.
The name of the job may seem strange, but by changing one letter in the title, you think of me as a “shampoo,” advocating things to which our organization matters. I will fly around the world to promote our focus on combating climate change. Together with the Chief Happiness Officer, I will try to maintain employee morale. Expect regular weekly surveys about your physical and mental health and whether you can continue working or feel clouded by corporate bureaucracy. Keep in mind that there is no “me” in the team, but there are three main strike officers. I will use them to guard you.
Now maybe I’m a firm Champo, but I’m no “chumpo”. As a white man on a six-figure salary, it might seem like I may not have the ability to empathize with ordinary people. But just because I’ve lived a privileged life I have a connection to bring about real change. By itself, my appointment led to an expansion C-room rooms and thus more work for building contractors and interior designers, as well as for my couple of executive assistants. Rest assured that I deal with normal people on a daily basis, be it cleaning staff, limousine drivers or security guards, and I always have a happy word for all of them.
But u GUFF, do not think of me as an executive, but of your servant. Whether it’s Zoom, WhatsApp, Slack, Microsoft Teams, Google Hangouts, or email, my channels are open. I am willing and able to hear you 24/7, with unfortunate exceptions from 8:00 to 9:00 (Pilates class), from 10:00 to 11:00 (executive thought shower), 14:00 – 15:00 (attention) and on Sundays (golf day).
Maybe there are cynics among you who ask “what exactly does the chief strike officer do?” The answer is easy. My plan is to invest in high quality impact data to make sure we are in the first place measuring impact. I can’t be clearer than that.
We know our company has an impact, but we can reduce it, like a seat belt or a passenger airbag. Imagine me as a new company airbag, ready to inflate at any time. Or, alternatively, as the voice of satnava, there is to tell the firm when it is going in the wrong direction and needs to “make U“Turn around where possible.” In my case, though, I’ll be a satnav you can’t rule out.
You may also wonder why, if our social and environmental impact is so important, Brad Piranha, our CEO, doesn’t solve problems on his own, instead of bringing in an outsider. That’s a good question. I think that’s Brady’s sign of humility. He is happy to deal with short-term issues of creating a budget for sales and maintenance, but he prefers to leave the “thought leadership” to me. “I’ll make money, and you’ll deal with sensitive things,” he said.
Well, let me give you an initial brain drain. During the pandemic, the company reduced its carbon footprint because you work from home. So stay there. Don’t worry, we won’t lose contact. Our new software will keep an eye on you, monitoring keystrokes and facial expressions to make sure you don’t suffer from stress. On Friday afternoon we will stop for a group drink. Choose a drink of your choice and relax while me or Brad give the team a motivational speech. Each week, one staff member will be randomly selected to respond to the whole group with his speech. This should ensure spontaneity.
And when the lock is over, two lucky employees per month will be selected (based on their time on screen) to have a chance to relax in the executive spa for an hour (evening only). You won’t miss the rest either: you’ll have the opportunity at any time to take a video tour of the spa, including the Olympic pool and hot tubs, to see what all can be prepared. It’s hard to come up with anything that could have a bigger impact on staff morale than that.
Here’s planning to make an impact on your life on a daily basis.
Will Meaning, chief strike officer
This article appeared in the business section of the print edition entitled “Shallow Impact”